Stop people pleasing: say yes to yourself
Content-Team SWICA
There are a number of different explanations for why certain people act this way. It may be due to a person's own need for recognition or harmony, or their fear of rejection. It can often be traced back to childhood. Perhaps they learned that they would get more love if they were good and agreed to everything.
But evolution may be a big factor as well. This is because, in the past, it was of vital importance for people to be integrated into a group rather than left alone and exposed to the dangers of the wild as an outsider. So they tried to fit in and cater to the needs of others so as not to jeopardise their place in the group.
People pleasers are at greater risk of mental illness
Always putting others' needs before your own is stressful. And stress – particularly over the long term – can increase your risk of mental and psychosomatic conditions. People pleasers also often suffer from low self-esteem. This is because they try to do right by everybody, which is of course impossible. Constantly neglecting your own needs can also mean not getting the help you need, partly because you don't speak up and partly because you increasingly lose your sense of what you require.
Learning to say «no»
There are of course different ways of saying «no». An empathetic «no» can feel better and be easier to express. Instead of saying «No, I can't right now» try saying something like «I hear what you're asking for, but that's not possible for me at the moment». Thanking someone for their question can also help get a «no» across. If you have difficulty saying «no» straight away, asking for some time to think is entirely reasonable. This lets you carefully consider your decision and come up with a clear response.
In order to get a proper sense of when a «no» is required, you need to reconnect with or give more priority to your own needs. What is important to you? What do you want to get out of a particular situation? How much time do you have? It's easier to say «no» if you can clearly identify for yourself why you can't or don't want to do something.
Finally, experience is a great teacher, and every «no» will give you more confidence to say «no» in the future. Hopefully, you'll soon realise that friendships and relationships become more respectful rather than falling apart as a result of saying «no».
Keeping your good qualities
People pleasers are often friendly, helpful and empathetic. These are all good qualities that should be cultivated. It's important not to lose sight of who you are, which means that you need to be able to focus on yourself and firmly say «no» to others when you're making decisions for your own good.
For your health: santé24 and SWICA Benecura
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